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Cystoscopy 101

Published January 28, 2010 - 4 Comments

Now we’re going to expose you.

Wonderful.  I lay there, staring at the ceiling, trying to think happy thoughts.  Rainbows, butterflies, puppies, warm summer nights… anything other than my present situation.

3.. maybe 4.. at least 3…

Hey! Wait a second!  What are the nurses talking about?  Had I not been in such a poor frame of mind, I would have cracked a joke.  It’s cold in here!  But I had no idea what they were really referring to…  Could have been anything.

We’re going to insert the numbing jelly now.

Hmm… well that sounds…  OWWWWW… if THIS is the stuff that’s supposed to make the NEXT PART more tolerable, couldn’t we have found a way to make THIS a little better???  Oh… that doesn’t feel too horrible now… ok.. piece of cake…

Now, we need you to relax…  Take a deep breath..

Hey lady, I’m as relaxed as I’m gonna… OH DEAR GOD!!

I know it’s uncomfortable…

YOU DO? NO YOU DON’T!

… but if you can just relax down there a little, it’ll be easier …  That’s it.. Now you’re going to feel a warm sensation..   just let it out…

If I had any modesty remaining, it was gone at that point.

The bladder looks great!

Fantastic, now get this thing out of me!

No signs of tumors, or anything.

Ya don’t say?

OK, the nurse will take you to get cleaned up, and you can make an appointment to see me in April.

Umm…  aren’t you going to take this thing out of me?  Oh, it’s already out?  When did that happen?  Apparently the one-way street still works quite well for outbound traffic.  Didn’t even notice.

After a lengthy stay in the bathroom, I was dressed and out the door.  Although it felt like an eternity on that bed, I doubt the procedure lasted more than 2-3 minutes.  It was certainly 2-3 minutes that I don’t want to have to repeat again.

“Oh whah.. stop being such a big baby”, I can hear the women readers saying.  “Try childbirth, and then see if you complain about 2-3 mins of inconvenient pain.”

True enough.  I’ll concede that point.

And if you’re wondering how on earth I could publicly post something that is obviously quite personal…  When I was told that I would require this procedure to rule out cancer, I was a little taken back, and decided to do some research.  There’s a fair amount of technical information online, but I didn’t really see anything that humanized the procedure.  True enough..  it was the medical stuff that I was initially interested in.   What exactly IS going to happen?  OK… that doesn’t sound like fun at all…    and then I thought that it would have been nice had I read something from someone who had gone through it.  It’s not a pleasant experience, but it’s an important one… and truthfully, it’s not nearly as horrible as I had made it out to be in my head over the last few weeks.  When they say that it only takes a couple of minutes, they’re right.

Cystoscopy.

Good times.