You all thought I was crazy, didn’t you? Admit it… Among all the hype about the end of the world, one man standing on the lone street corner holding a sign that read “THE END (of low peanut butter prices) IS NEAR!” didn’t seem very important. Bah.. another kook, right? Yeah well… Have you stopped to take a look at the price of peanut butter lately?
$6.49 for a 1Kg container! SIX DOLLARS AND FORTY-NINE CENTS!
Who’s the crazy one now?
And if you think that’s as high as it’s going to go, oh no my friends… I’ve been keeping track of this for you. (You’re welcome) On December 31, 2011 the regular price of that same container was $4.99. Sure, you could get it on sale, sometimes even 2 for $5. That’s when I started my collection, which currently sits at 8 jars, and is beginning to make me a little nervous. Then in January the price creeped up $0.50, just enough that most people wouldn’t notice. But that’s why you have me on the job, isn’t it? The grocery stores didn’t stop there. Nope. A mere few weeks later another $0.50 increase. Your $4.99 container of peanut buttery goodness was suddenly $5.99. No big deal, right?
Flash forward a couple more weeks, and it’s now March. I wonder what our current price for peanut butter is? Oh look! Another $0.50 increase! $6.49! It’s like watching the price of gasoline go up, and up, and up… In fact, I’ve begun to wonder whether I’ve fallen into some alternate reality where peanut butter is the new precious commodity to hoard. Throw your gold away, folks. Start your own peanut garden. Just hope that you have better luck than peanut farmers last year, who recorded a miserable crop, snowballing into the unparalleled crisis currently facing us today.
Still think I’m crazy? When I decided to write this post and went looking for a file photo (that you see above) I discovered it on EBay of all places. EBay? They don’t sell peanut butter on EBay, you’re thinking.
Not only do they sell peanut butter on EBay, but they sell it for a small fortune! Check out this auction. Don’t want to be bothered with clicking that link? OK, how’s this sound? $9 for 1 Kg of peanut butter. That’s not a typo. NINE DOLLARS. And that’s just for the peanut butter… you still have to get it from the seller to your cupboard. That’s gonna set you back $15 for S&H. My math is a little rusty, but I think that comes to a grand total of $24 for a single container of peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER. Oh sure… if you buy more than one, you can cut your shipping down on a per item basis… but you’re still looking at an insane total. Even if you could magically teleport the peanut butter from the seller to your cupboard for free, that container would still cost you $9. And yes… those prices are in US funds, so if you’re in Canada, you’re probably going to pay slightly more, depending on the day and currency market fluctuations.
So what can we do about all of this?
I think the solution is pretty clear. Civil disobedience. Yes, that’s right. A new Occupy movement that targets grocery stores everywhere! Well, just the peanut butter aisles. Protests in the streets! A run on the shelves, similar to the run on the banks in the 1930s. Mass hoarding. The right to protect your personal stash by any means necessary. Desperate times require desperate measures. It’s every peanut butter lover for themselves… OK, some of those ideas may in direct conflict of each other, but I think you get the idea.
The end is near…