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Skunk Anansie – Squander

Published September 1, 2010 - 0 Comments

When I originally came up with the idea of doing a day of music videos, the original plan was to find 12.  No more.  Most people probably won’t look at more than one or two; I realize that. They were actually all written prior to the blog outage of earlier in the week, and I wasn’t even sure if the blog would be back online before their scheduled time passed by. Thankfully it came back prior to Sept 1.

I could have just left them the way they were intended, but I decided to write a 13th post.  Why?

Things have changed somewhat since the original 12 were written. I don’t normally write specifically about relationships in my life, but this will be an exception. Most times I simply hint at things.  The people who are in the know… well.. they know.  The rest are left scratching their heads, wondering what the hell I’m talking about.  I do hope that certain people read this, but I have deliberately removed the ability to comment on this post… not that I expect anyone would. But you just never know.

I was not familiar with this song until I saw it on a SYTYCD routine. It’s a little different than normal. I certainly was not prepared for the video when I watched it the first time. But that’s fine… the song is still relevant…

I’ve begun to seriously question lately whether I’m emotionally “broken”. In the last year I’ve squandered two perfectly good relationships because I’ve been unable to leap an emotional hurdle.  In both instances the women offered me everything that I could possibly ask for… friendship, companionship, understanding, even love…  And for my part… I continued to hold back.  I was unable or unwilling to meet them half way.  And even though I never intended to hurt them, I know that is what happened.  When you give your heart to someone completely, and do not receive the same in return… it hurts.  I understand that all too well.

I’ve had friends tell me that I’m simply not ready to date.  That, until I can completely resolve old feelings, I will only make things worse… not only for myself, but for the other people as well.  So I’m re-examining some things in my life.  The concept of “The One” is particularly troublesome for me.  Because, if my self-serving definition is correct, I’m essentially useless to anyone else until I deal with that.  And not just say that I’m dealing with it.. but really deal with it.  It’s been pointed out to me by more than one person that the power is mine to choose whether or not to let past relationships eat at me… or to shelf them and move on.  And saying that you’re moving on, and actually moving on are two different things.

So if I’m not moving on, why is that?  Am I biding my time, hoping for a better outcome?  Am I intentionally torturing myself for some past wrong-doing?  I’ve been told that I’m self-destructive.  I find it difficult to argue that point.  I don’t really have the answer to these questions.  Or I’m afraid to admit the answers to myself.

Why take everything you see?
You’ll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You’ll have no one left to love

You throw it all away
Look tease you anthem suffer for
you cause disaster
squander squander squander squander

Why take everything you see?
You’ll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You’ll have no one left to love

you’re less than you should be
what runs so hard to finish I
you could contendement
squander squander squander squander

Why take everything you see?
You’ll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You’ll have no one left to looooove, looooove
Why squander squander squander squander

Why take everything you see?
You’ll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You’ll have no one left to, no one left to love

I think that it’s time for some serious soul-searching.  I’ve pushed away two fantastic women, and I’m not proud of that. A third won’t talk to me.  And that doesn’t even include my failed marriage!  I’ve got to take some time and figure some things out, because I simply can not continue to operate like this.  It’s ripping me apart, and unfortunately it affects other people as well.

The Steve 2.0 plan was supposed to set everything on the right path, but a chance encounter changed my course entirely.

If you keep pushing me away
You’ll have no one left to love